The earth is the largest rock that any of us will ever stand on. So I’ve never understood rock climbers. By standing on the earth, you have stood on the biggest rock. You are done. You have peaked. You don’t have to keep climbing rocks. Unnecessary.
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Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”
Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.
If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!
[November 2030]
*at the ocean*
“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”
Kids: This fish has three heads
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted
my house: what’s this about extra money?
VENOM: Time to meet your maker!
SPIDER-MAN: The radioactive spider?
VENOM: No, like-
SPIDER-MAN: My dad? Cuz he’s dead. Wow, ur a douche.
he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?
[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.
The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Clark Kent: kryptonite
Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?
Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa
This guy gets it.
Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
“How much to hire a church singing group?”
“You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”