What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?
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*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message
9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.
The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.
I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.
Me: But I have work tomorrow.
Brain: I don’t care-
*alarm goes off*
-okay you can sleep.
“It’s your father; he’s been hitting the sauce pretty hard.”
*My father stumbles in with hollandaise in a highball glass* wassssssup!
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.
You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.
My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.
So I got her a bag of peas.
If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
TSA agent: Ma’am you’re alarming in your abdomen.
Me, starving: You can hear that?!?
Them: …
Me: …
Them: It’s the drawstrings on your pants.
Me: They’re hungry too?!?
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died
BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year
ME: yeah she’s a cat
This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants