My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.
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Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
The police do not like it when you slowly reveal that your attacker was a ghost. They do not appreciate storytelling or showmanship. I know this now.
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
[recording studio]
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don’t need to do that
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check
cop: that’s not how this works
NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.
11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.
11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.
Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.
So I’m still broke, but now also in French.
Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.
Me: the only way to kill a zombie is to behead it
Cop [closing cuffs]: none of those people were zombies
Me: and they never will be!
Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
Sure, sex ed is an important class but if you want teens to fully grasp the consequences of sex, have them spend a few min with a toddler. My 3yo just cried for a solid 20 min cuz I wouldn’t “take the hair off” my head. If that doesn’t convince teens to use condoms, nothing will.
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!