Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits
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Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it
I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!
Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
Just me?
Skeleton: I’m you from the future
Me: how long?
Skeleton: 2 months
Me: are you here to warn me?
Skeleton: no you’re already screwed, just drink more milk for me
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:
[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.
Me: Oh, who got the last spot?
Coach: Umm
Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?
*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want
I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this
Him: I’m feeling under the weather.
DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*
I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”
Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.
[feeding the cat]
Me: Here’s your food, Buddy.
Cat: Buddy is the dog’s name.
Me: Gosh, you’re right. Sorry.
Cat: I’m really hurt.
Me:
Cat: JK, I never listen to a fricken thing you say anyway.
In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.
Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.
My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.
Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.
So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
me: (11 pm) 😴
me: (1 am) 😴
me: (3 am) 😴
me: (5 am) 😴
me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!
Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?
Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with
Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US