I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
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Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?
What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog
Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.
Me: I hate drama.
Also me: Reads all 258 comments on a heated Facebook post thread that is 100 percent not my business.
Not me walking to the supermarket and feeling cute in my polka dot summer dress until an elderly woman stops to point out we’re wearing the same dress.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!
One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.
IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS
fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious
My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
If it requires “gear” I’m in.
The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.
me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get
barber: ok
[later]
her: you look nicebarber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too
Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.
My son scared his sister while she was brushing her teeth
She turned around screaming and spit out the contents of her mouth all over his face
He started screaming in horror bc his mouth was open.
3 walked in and started screaming bc he wanted to join in
How was your morning?
“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*
frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.
My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.
😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣
We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.
can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?
[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?