Me: I’d like a raspberry margarita.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE DRINK
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[After kidnapping]
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
..ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help
i put “wake up” and “try to breathe” on my to-do list and long story short it’s 9:30am and guess who’s already had a productive day
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
Got a new washer and dryer today, and I’ve been doing laundry all day long. I’ve washed everything that can be washed. Getting ready to go ask the neighbors for their laundry now.
I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”– me every time I watch Toy Story 3
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
yeah not falling for this one
is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]
GOD: most of them are fine
ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?
God: you get high or… you DIE
Angel: dude
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
[pulled over by cop]
COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?
MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando
I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.
Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.
In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
3 AM
BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?
every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.
People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me
People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body
People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk