The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
You Might Also Like
me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?
If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?
a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
6yo: what do old people eat?
me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.
6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.
Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?
People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.
[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava
doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
NEIGHBOR: What’s up?
ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month
NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?
ME: The what now?
[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.
“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.