I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.
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Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no
Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level
Netflix and awkward silence?
My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”
Good God that’s customer service.
Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.
Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?
Her: No.
Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily
Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.
WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?
ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
[If my dog could talk]
DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY
“any ideas?”
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”
Breaking News:
I did 3/16th of a complete push-up
Lawrence starts cooking
Lawrence checks Twitter
Lawrence smells smoke
Lawrence Fishburne
Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.
* on a date snuggling *
Me: Did you enjoy dinner?
Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.
Me: Get your hands off my belly.
Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW