It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.
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GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-
me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it
professor: okay there is one stupid question
I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
agent: may i please have your account number
me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times
agent: sorry about that
me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer
agent: ideally, yes
me:
agent: may i please have your account number
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
Body: I need water.
Me: Diet Coke?
Body: No, water.
Me: Wine?
Body: NO, WATER!
Me: Coffee it is.
The three things Im grateful for:
1. Family
2. Friends
3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.
I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?”
“No.”
“Why not, sir?”
“Because, it would make my rabbi sad.”
10: Mom, would you hand me some gum?
Me: Sure, what flavor?
10: Swordmint
Me:
10: Sharpmint
Me:
10:
Me: Spearmint?
10: YES!
I went the wrong way down the grocery store aisle and you’d think I was looking at a 10 year prison sentence with the way Karen reacted.
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”
So I killed him…
If he comes back…He wins the argument
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
[blind date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a remote control“Your eyes are beau-
*sinks into seat crevice, lost for weeks*DAMMIT NOT AGAIN
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
Grandma: can you call out the bingo numbers?
Me: idk i’ve never done it B4
Gma: holy shit you’re a natural