I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
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Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!
My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.
Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
Since the day he was born, I always expected my kid to grow up to be smarter, funnier, and more successful than me.
I just didn’t expect him to do this by age 6.
BOSS: We need to look in the mirror and see where we can improve.
ME: *to Gary, who I suspect is a vampire* Go ahead, Gary. You first.
I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.
Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.
My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest
Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.
An app..
An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.
-Twitters new slogan
Netflix: Should I play this movie?
Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second
Netflix: I’ll put it on
Me: I’m just literally reading what it is
Netflix: It’s playing 🙂
So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.
I’m really not seeing the down side here.
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
ME: Cant sleep. Theres too much going on in the world
MY WIFE: Whats bothering u?
ME: If Garfield didnt have a job, why did he hate Mondays?
Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!
Thought I’d try one:
18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: NoWasn’t that adorable?!
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.
My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.
Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal
Star Wars spoiler: Ross and Rachel end up together in the end.
TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors