Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. π€·π»ββοΈ
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This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies
So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.
Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.
Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?
Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!
911: Have u tried looking in her house?
Turtle: oops never mind.
I believe thereβs at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.
Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?
Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes
Follow your dreams
Eat that cake
Skip the ads
Cut your own hair
Dye it too
Go on the run
Dance in moonlight
Hold your loved one close
Closer
Steal their soul
Offer it to Cthulhu
Write a childrenβs book
Illustrate it too
Love yourself
Imagine
[ cooking class ]
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd
Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.
Why not? We’re roofers.
Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.
Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.
Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.
If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.
Ugliness is universal.
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??
Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..
If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Millennial: I put a film of me opening a shoe box on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.
So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.