Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.
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ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
Gas stations be like:
Here’s some complimentary filthy water and a filthy sponge/squeegee so you can “wash” your windshield. You are very welcome.
Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?
Do strangers call to pay my bills?
And if they do, why don’t you let them?
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
*installs google translate*
*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*
*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.
“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”
They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.
My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]
[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]
me: do ya wanna…?
uber driver: no
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk
This guy’s not having it 😆
Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.
Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…
Interviewer: Strengths?
Me: Vocabulary?
Overused phrases I hope I never hear again:
1. At the end of the day
2. It is what it is
3. Think outside the box
4. Get your ducks in a row
5. Please sir, you’re making a scene
It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.
Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
Of course my husband went into sales. He told his drill sergeant at basic training he was allergic to fish because he didn’t like fish and got a sandwich made for him. IN THE ARMY.
clean window: [exists]
toddlers: what’s that taste like
My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.