Every mealtime I put a table mat under 9’s plate to catch the crumbs so they don’t go on the floor and at the end of every mealtime he sweeps the crumbs off the mat onto the floor. I think he’s faulty and would like a refund
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Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.
*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*
it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us
The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
My Bread Shop may have turned a profit if I stuck with the original name: Rolling In Dough instead of: Yeast Infection Connection.
When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•car dealerships
•gynecologists
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•nail salons
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
•baby showers
Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.
I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…
Me: What’s the problem?
Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!
“Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,
“Amateur.”
Who wants to be my Valentine?
Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
[First Date]
Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.
Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.
Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.
Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.
Confusing my 12 year old..
12: Dad, you want to go swimming in the pool?
Me: Dude, it’s friggin pouring out!
12: So???
Me: I don’t wanna get wet…
12: Ummmmm… WHAT?!
Look,if they showed up and watched the entire Super Bowl and had a good time with everyone.Then washed the dishes,cleaned up, did the laundry, washed your car and cooked dinner afterwards then you just might have found Valentine material!
I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.
Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?
Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore
Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right
Guy on subway: what
Me: what
Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus