I was practicing moves on a stripper pole, when all of a sudden I heard a loud ringing. Then 3 firemen fell from the sky and crushed me.
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I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!
You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.
do you like my signals
I mixed them myself
[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
[cat and dog meet for negotiations]
Mediator: We’re just beginning this process, so right now everything is on the table.
Cat: *smiles*
Dog: Oh no.
[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”
I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.
Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.
Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
Me irl
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.
Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.
Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.
Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.
Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”
Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”