I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
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Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.
[Spelling bee, to clench victory]
“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”
Judges?
(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)
Correct.
“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
Me: Go to bed
4-year-old: But I have questions!
Me: You’re stalling
4: I need to know!
Me: What?
4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?
Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.
My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.
I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.
I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.
6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:
William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black
Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”
Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.
FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.
“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter