Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
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Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-
Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-
Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
In an unexpected turn of events yesterday, my husband tested the child locks on the car doors.
“Laura, can you come and let me out?”
*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
I never knew how long it took a human to fall asleep until I had kids. In case you’re wondering it’s 2 hours, 3 cups of water, & 18 books.
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks
Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.
You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …
But I won’t.
When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.
here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos
How wrong was this guy?
Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.
*finally watches it*
Me: Why didn’t you recommend it sooner?
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
God:
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
God:
Snake: so fast on my legs!
Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.
found my next D&D character name