Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.
So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.
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THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?
Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.
Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward
Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise
Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty
Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy’s the man for the job and shut that shit down
Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.
Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
Did you guys know that protons have mass?
I didn’t even know they were Catholic…
BRO LMFAO
[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.
“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago
My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.
My brother called to tell me specifically that his Zoom party really took off after he told everyone the story of the one time I took a chance & overcame my shyness & went to buy a guy at a club a drink at but it turned out the guy was a mannequin & part of the décor.
[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.
Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.
Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?
Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years