Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
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“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*
According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.
We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter
If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.
Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??
Octopus:
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.
Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.
due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.
I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else
MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”
I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…
People of my generation are always saying that they are shocked how little role quicksand plays in their lives, but I gotta tell you, knowing the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite has not proved to be as critical as I expected either.
When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.
Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?
Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
Heard my downstairs neighbor shouting “GET INSIDE NO GET INSIDE RIGHT NOW YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED OUTSIDE GET INSIDE” at about the same time 3 mornings in a row so looked to see what the new pet was and turns out its a roomba
Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit
I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.
A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”
My 13 yro daughter just asked
What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?
Do not go gentle into that good night,