What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
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Jehovah’s Witness: have you found god?
me: I’m not telling you, that’s cheating!
JW: excuse me?
me: that’s not how you play hide and seek, you’ve got to find him yourself!
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
Hot singles in your area looking to borrow a cup of air conditioning
Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
“Can I borrow your charger?”
Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*
“I meant for my iPhone.”
Me: Oh, hell no.
Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band
A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom
Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
You ever leave cardboard on the frozen pizza, and it starts smoking, and your family bans you from using appliances because you burn shit up?
Me neither.
OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.
CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?
CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!
CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.
Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.
Some of you have never been told to ‘Leave room for the Holy Spirit’ by an old nun with a ruler while slow-dancing to Boyz 2 Men at your Grade 8 dance and it shows
ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.