i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar
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Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
Me to my children: I would kill and die for you
Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
[commercial]
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?
“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.
Board Game
10: *reading card* Mama! Name 3 rappers! GO!
Me: Saran, aluminum foil, & cellophane! *beaming*
10: *laughing* OMG!
Me: What?
Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”
I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.
Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆
[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.
Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
ME: make a clone of me for my wife
SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]
ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back
WIFE: wait a minute
When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
*job interview*
Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?
Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job
What do you do when you’re soul searching and can’t find one?
My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.
Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.*repeat daily in various scenarios*