It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
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Today. I. Realized. That. Typing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. You. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.
[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT
Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
You should be tunashamed of yourself!
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
Me: I’d like to return this
Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room
Me: ya it sucks
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.
He had a cocktail in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and a beautiful woman half his age in the other. Then in the other a green tennis ball.
They called him… The Juggler
#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane
If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.
*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…
Me: *starts digging again*
just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel better— everything except vodka.
That ends five minutes ago.
My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..
Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.
Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”
[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?her: probably “ethereal,” it means-
me: mine is “shuttlecock.”
my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
my wife and i went furniture shopping this weekend and one couch just shouted “take me home” at us, so we left because nobody needs a talking couch
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*