I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.
You Might Also Like
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework
Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight
Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!
Me: *runs away*
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
I want what they have
Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy
Cat: Meow {you’ve made a powerful enemy today}
M: Nearly done now
C: Meow! {oh I’m deffo gonna shit in your shoe}
M: All finished
C: MEOW {and I think a bird’s head in your bed, too}
M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
him: I’m gonna kill you
me: oh no
him: with kindness
me: awww
him: kindness is my pet wolf
me: oh no again
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
*duck waddles into bar
Duck: Bread
*bartender takes slice out of bag
D (angry): Just leave the loaf
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.
It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.
[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex
Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”
Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”