I SAID: How’s vacation going?
MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.
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Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8
I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.
One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.
My body is a “wonder what happened” land
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
Ah yes. The three genders
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol
[new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people have asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost
Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.
An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
ME: I’m taking it back.
WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.
ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
Cop: why’d you do it?
Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.
Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?
Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.
Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
me: *having prostate examination*
doc: omg, when was this last wiped?
me: WHAT
doc: *pointing to dust on table* i must speak to the cleaning lady
Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.
I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.