A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
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My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”
THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me
I like how people say “travel safely” like I’m the one flying the plane.
[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd
I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
…in my purse, in my coat pocket, in the fridge, in the pantry, beside the corkscrew…
[Chapstick Season]
When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.
Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”
I’m funny that way.
Me: What’s your name please?
Customer: Hal
Me: I never met a Hal What’s that short for?
Customer: Harold
Me: I’m gonna go ahead and write Hallelujah
Boss: Could you ever just don’t?
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
I grew up in a poor family. We didn’t have much, but we had each other. And that was the worst part.
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics
Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!
Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?
“I don’t know, how would I know?”
GF: I’m pregnant!
“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”
I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?
Dj: Yes.
M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.
Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”
Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.
[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]
my phone: spam risk
the phone rings. it’s you. it’s always you. i’ve run out of things to say…out of ways to tell you to stop calling. i can’t do this anymore. yet…i answer, knowing you’ll just say the same thing you always say, “i’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.