In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.
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Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger
8: YOU stop growing bigger
And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined
I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.
People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!
The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.
Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly
Landscaper: sounds like bullshit
Farmer: yes exactly
“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”
Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics
[cat adoption agency]
Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*
Me: What the hell?
Counselor: You’re not ready
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
A family that plays together cheats.
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture
[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey
Me: I am the smartest person alive!
Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.
Me:
Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
going to the doctor for the first time since becoming a doctor, can’t wait to say “ah yes i concur with your diagnosis”
a few weeks ago I faked an Irish accent at the bar & ended up meeting a guy from Ireland that night. since then I contemplated if he was faking it or not & I just found him on tinder and his bio says if he gets drunk enough he fakes an Irish accent. I’ve found my soulmate y’all!!
My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job
I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!