kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
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Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.
If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.
Big Sex has us all fooled
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.
And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.
Me: I learned everything I know about Cinco de Mayo from watching Coco.
Him: Coco was about Day of the Dead, not Cinco-
Me: Cinco, Coco, YOU KNOW I DON’T SPEAK SPANISH, TODD!
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.
As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.
I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.
Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy
modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail
[Interview]
“Do you have any previous experience dealing with animals?”
[flashback to my flatmate leaving toast crumbs in the butter]
..Yes.
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
E-Harmony Rep: And here’s your starter cat-
Me: What?
Rep: Here’s your starter pack.
Me: You said cat.
Rep:
Me:
Rep:
Me:
Rep: *folder meows*
I’m not ashamed to say that when I saw everyone was getting these new “selfie sticks” for Xmas I thought it was some new fantastic deodorant
[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
Today my 7 year-old came into the room crying. I asked him what happened and he said that his 5 year-old brother put 80 cows in his house in Minecraft while he was offline and that it was “entirely too many cows” and honest to christ I have no idea how to parent any of this.