Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.
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I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.
I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.
Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.
My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
[Crime scene]
Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was
*takes off sunglasses*
D: blunt force trauma
Son: *picks up backpack* I’m off!
Me: Where are you going?
Son: The bathroom. I hear it’s great this time of year. Been planning this trip for minutes.
[later]
Me: How was your trip?
Son: Highly recommend it. Good to get away for a while.
A family that plays together cheats.
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
[watching paint dry]
“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.
Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
[speed dating session]
Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.
Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*
Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…a raise?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I’d like to report a hacking!
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
I just hid a big bag of Easter peanut butter cups in the back of the freezer. In July I’ll find them and be very pleased then convinced I have dementia.
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.
I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.