I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
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A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
[Alien vs Predator]
Alien: I can eat your face off
Predator: I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a school
I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.
Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
who did the taste test?
“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”
– Credit card chip inventor
– Me, writing tweets
me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now
woman: three times though?
bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
in case you were wondering how things are going these days for the generation that attended kindergarten exclusively via zoom…
our 6yo has started surreptitiously playing wordle on his school-issued chromebook while in class and skyping us his score
Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.
Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
The secret to work life balance is generational wealth
My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
I tell my toddler she needs to put her own toys away so she’s started giving me all the toys she has out as ‘presents’ just before it’s time to tidy up and I can’t even be mad coz that’s genius
13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!
ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*
13YO: wut?
No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-
ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all
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