Me: hey babe I got you something!
Wife: [from other room] it better not be that $400 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle I told you not to buy.
Me: [clicking in the last brick to the $399 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle] no it’s something different.
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There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run
at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
i hate when google maps keeps rerouting me to the faster route that goes thru traffic. i know my route is longer google i made this choice for my mental health
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
He told me I was too pretty not to smile.
So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.
Now I’m smiling.
Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
Non-stick pan manufacturers: Do not scrub the pan roughly
Also non-stick pan manufacturers: *will stick their label right in the middle of the pan with glue that never comes off easy*
Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself
Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.
Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles
No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.
Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.
Friend: Why are you like this?
Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.
Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!
COP: Tell me what you saw
ME: Jersey Boys
COP: *sighs* at the crime scene
ME: No, at the theatre
told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
Wanna wake your teens up early?
Cook bacon
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?
Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.