It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
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Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏
Me: You have bruises??
Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve
If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.
Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
“Hi. My name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic_”
*embarrassed silence in the room*
“Wow. Tough crowd.”
Worst Bring Your Dad To School Day EVER
I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.
Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.
HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!
Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.
When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder “how the hell did I get that?”
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts
We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
*learns about complementary colors*
in my head:
red: that shirt looks so nice on you!
green: thanks! your shoes are perfect!
blue: screw you guys
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
My husband and 4yo are playing with the doctor kit and toy dinosaurs. My husband named the dino doctor The Dinocologist.
We were definitely meant for each other.
First base: drinks
Second base: hooking up
Third base: consistently hanging out for over 3 months and refusing to call it a relationship because both of you are terrified of commitment and communication