Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.
Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.
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I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.All the ones with all of the above are fictional.
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
Me: Ooh… This is a Kodak moment!
Son: A what?
Me: I want to get a Polaroid.
Son: A what?
Me: You sound like a broken record!
Son: A WHAT?
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.
Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home
How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling
I got invited to an acquaintance’s baby shower, I thought I bought teeth rings, I bought this woman’s baby a freaking dog toy. 🙃
DON’T EVER CATCH UP ON YOUR LAUNDRY
YOUR KIDS WILL GET A STOMACH BUG AND BARF ON EVERYTHING
{big laundry wrestles the microphone away from me}
IT’S A TRAP!
HEY LET GO OF ME!
On my flight today I woke up from a nap & an attendant was walking down the aisle holding a pug, saying “we found this pug. Whose pug is this??” And for 3 hours we all just took turns holding the mystery pug until a verrrry stoned man in the last row woke up & was like “Roscoe?!”
Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.
I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.