GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.
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My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping
I was an English major, which means I may or may not be able to get you out of a dangerous situation, but *patting your arm* at least I can write a 5-paragraph essay on the fatal flaw that led you to it.
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?
Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*
My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
schrödinger: your results came back, there’s good and bad news
patient: what do they say?
schrödinger: [opening them] you have 2 weeks to live
patient: what’s the good news?
schrödinger: there isn’t any now
She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.
Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*
Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”
“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn
Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.
Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.