I was wondering what was poking my stomach and it was a potato chip I had with my lunch that fell down my shirt. Damn we even took a nap together.
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“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?
Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
My husband decided to surprise us by coming home a day early from his business trip.
The real surprise was how quickly we made it look like we didn’t just eat, drink & binge-watch every show in his absence.
Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*
Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate
Me: *shyly lifts top*
Husband: no
Friend: I hate frozen pizza
Me: I hate frozen pizza too. That’s why I put it in the oven for a bit before I eat it.
Friend:
Friend: check out my conscience shell
Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*
Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
I love how some stores don’t even bother hiding that they sell fakes. I respect the hell out of a shop that has Professor Martins front and center. Yes please I will take one pair of Air Georges.
Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse
I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?DATE: The worst night of my life
ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail
“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots
When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.
Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it
Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
Mr. Trump, who’s your Secretary of State?
TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin
My husband is extra efficient.
He leaves cabinets open for next time.
got so much cardio in today
How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.