I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
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Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.
Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”
technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things
everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places
Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.
*at skatepark with my 7yr old nephew*
Random Mom: Cute kid!
Me: Oh thank u so much
Random Mom: Who’s the dad?
Me: My brother
Random Mom: *weird look**hours later*
Me: oh SHIT
*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.
My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.
me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?
my brain: yup!
me: where did we put those?
my brain:
me:
my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this
If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.
I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.
“She’d do the same for me”, he said.
I had a dream where I thought I had rats in my bed but it turned out to be a passel of wiener dogs. If my subconscious mind were a person, I’d want it in jail.
in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
Think I pulled my liver
Dude next to me in Oppenheimer kept sighing and then pretending to cover his eyes for like two seconds every time Florence Pugh showed up naked. He’d cover them, immediately look again, and then sigh like “she’s still naked??” repeat
*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis
corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening
me: *nodding* ghosts
handyman: …this screw is loose
me: ah.
handyman:
me:
handyman:
me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
[The shark attack sketch]
Him: I’m terrified of being attacked by a shark.
Her: You’re so dumb. The chances of that happening are less than one in three million. Lol.[fin]
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.