Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
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What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.
What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.
Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?
Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?
Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*
My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”
Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.
Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.
I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.
my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?
the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good
my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)
A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.
It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now
Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
just gave my 5yo power of attorney
*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?
Me: Rough sex
Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop
Me: Talk to your nurse about that
[Pet Store]
Clerk: Ma’am what can I help you with today?
Me: hi I’d like to buy this line
C: You mean snake?
M: Yes your largest worm please
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…
writers really said: what if homework… was a career.
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.
Him: I want five bedrooms.
Me: why? So we can have more kids?
Him: No. More parents.
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?
m’lady
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
Nice mustache, bro.
Her: What?
Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.