Time zones are amazing! Here in New Zealand it’s tomorrow, in America it’s yesterday and in North Korea it’s 1980.
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[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”
If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
[being haunted]
Me: *tries to text ghostbusters*
Ghost: actually you have to call them, they’re pretty specific about that
Me:
Ghost:
Me: you know what being haunted is fine
My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*
Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!
Son: Well, I’m a little offended they haven’t laughed yet.
my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
I have, a really beautiful body
under my floor boards
Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her
Dr: He has a lot of blockage
“So my Dad has a bad heart?”
Dr: He also donates to charity
“So he has a good heart?”
Dr: Ya, it evens out
I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.
It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing
If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.
– birds
BOSS: Can I see you in my office?
INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you
i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
Spongebob | (•)(•) |
Patrick / (•)(•)
Squidward ( (•)(•) )
Plankton | (•) |
Mr Krabs |$||$|
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…
DOCTOR 1: There’s a tumor in your head the size of a baby carrot.
PATIENT: Oh my god. {starts crying}
DOCTOR: {trying to comfort} Yeah I hate carrots too.
Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel
When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.
VILLAGERS: Stop crying wolf, you stupid idiot!
BOY: Fine
{later}
BOY: Help…Wolf!
WOLF: What’s up?
BOY: I need you to kill the villagers
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies