[Inventing Canadians]
Angels: *giggling* omg they’re SO nice!
God: Oh yeah? Check this out. *drops hockey puck*
You Might Also Like
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
For sale: Haunted bonnet, comes with robin egg. DO NOT SEPARATE THE BONNET AND THE EGG $5
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
All of my loved ones know, that if I ever use the phrase
”He seemed nice, but he was a Capricorn” in a call, they need to get the cops involved, ’cause I’ve been kidnapped.
Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I’m at Applebee’s & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.
If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu
Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*
ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today
ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE
ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
My son (11) was talking to his friends playing fortnite and I hear him say, “My mom is a big deal on the internet” to which one of the kids said, “Is she on Onlyfans?” And son said, “What’s that?” And other kid said, “Google it” and when I say I have never run so fast in my life
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.
As a kid, I once spent hours hiding wedged behind a dresser refusing to come out unless my mom called me Smurfette- knowing full well she’d never figure out that was the way to find me/ get me out – so yes I’ve always been this way…
Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
Christian: You need Jesus in your life
Me: But I can’t find him
Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*
I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business
mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.