Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
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Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
The Dalai Lama: Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace
Parents with kids of all ages: hahahaha yeah ok
Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.
when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it
I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
Me:*Chewing* These pot brownies are disgusting.
Him: That’s a dish sponge.
Me: Oh no! That means –
*Sees all the tea cups eating my Doritos*
PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?
Me: Just one more hit. I need it.
Him: *crying* Think about what you are doing to our family. Please.
Me: *hits snooze button*
Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No
F: The eyes on those dolls freak me out. I wish you’d get rid of them.
Next day
F *screams*
I meant get rid of the dolls not their eyes.
[Gets Pulled Over]
Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
C: …
M: …office chair?
C: Get out
[after giving cpr]
him: ʸᵒᵘ ˢᵃᵛᵉᵈ ᵐʸ ˡᶦᶠᵉ
me: lol
him: ʷʰᵃᵗ ᵗʰᵉ ʰᵉˡˡ
me: I inhaled helium first
[Turing Test]
Tester: Let’s start with an easy one, the square root of 29241?
Subject: 171!
Tester:
Subject: I meant, idk math is hard. lol
Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”
Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-
Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.
Me: Twitter isn’t as enjoyable anymore. So frustrating
Therapist: Why don’t you stop using it
Me: Then I’d have to come here every day and tell you my tweets
Therapist: absolutely not
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.