Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.
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Me: We do *not* spit on our classmates!
5YO: Well, who DO we spit on, then?
I miss the funny stuff my kids said when they were little.
I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.
Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.
Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
Genie: You have 3 wishes—
Me: I wish for you to not know numbers!
*45 minutes later*
Genie: Is….is this 3 yet?
Me (Emperor of space & time, with far too many possessions, moneys, lovers & other sexy attributes to ever list in any lifetime): gettin’ there, man.
Only 10 more days til Halloween!
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
somebody come look at this
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…
My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.
Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.
[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw
mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm
mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm
me: oh stephanie you’re better than this
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
@funTweeters
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
Spider 1: hey man, your fly’s down
Spider 2: yeah, the little fella’s been like that since I ate his brother
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS