CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
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Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.
if I was a zebra and I carried a wallet in my mouth I’m guessing a lot of people would assume it didn’t belong to me and that sucks
Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.
Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
I used to be the coolest kid in the 90s with a Windows 3.1 desktop. Now I have people on the train telling me that my phone’s flashlight is on
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.
I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.
An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”
Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick
The End
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way
[gates of Valhalla]
ODIN: did you die in battle?
[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]
ME: ya
[in the park]
ME: aww look a baby
WIFE: is it on me?!
ME: um no it’s in a stroll-
WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
Bay: come over
Me: no, I’m watching TMNT
Bay: I made one too
Me: but it’s awful
Bay: come watch it
Me: who gave you my number, Michael
Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche
Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.
Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope
This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.
When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play
Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?
Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these
I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough
so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset