My friend sent me an invitation to an “Interactive Murder Mystery Dinner” which is great because I’ve always wanted to decline one of those.
You Might Also Like
I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips
Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.
Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”
M: what’s this about, 007?
James Bond: he’s plotting revolution, ma’am
M: are you sure?
JB: he’s happy to confess, ask him
M: *turning to the suspect* what do you have to say for yourself?
pigeon: coo
M: my god man, you’re right!
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
Thank you, Internet.
Thank you.
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
So sick of all these stupid rules
[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!
Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!
[after the thousandth time making a mess while cooking eggs]
ME: there’s gotta be a better way!
WIFE: *hands me a pan* stop using the toaster dumbass
My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.
*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?
[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]
Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.
CEO: How can we supply that many?
Jesus: *winks at camera*
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
I’m not super into getting older but I do like how nobody asks me to help them move anymore
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
*at the confessional
Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’
Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’
I feel it is only fair for a recipe to indicate up front how many burners it requires. For example a 3 burner recipe would be a no.
Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great
Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.