My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.
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my depression: I’m sad
my anxiety: but why now I’m worried
my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason
my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway
100,000 Americans signed a petition to have Justin Bieber deported back to Canada.
8 million Canadians signed a petition to prevent this.
honestly, i need both:
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁
Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible
I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.
[traffic court]
Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
JUDGE: Repeat infractions?
Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets
found this cool rock hiking today
Me pre-milkshake: Oohh! I’m gonna have a milkshake!
Me post-milkshake: I feel like hell and wish I were dead.
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
Watch Forrest Gump
*feel inspired
*toss orthotics out, go for jog
*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker
Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?
Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong
Personal Trainer: Anything else?
Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps
My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
After hand washing your cat, put up to dry
I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.
Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.
I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.
7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She’s my financial planner now.
Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.
Horror reviews are my favorite thing because they’ll be like “This book is vile. It gave me mono and siphoned all the gas from my car. It is a literal cursed object and I don’t feel safe around it. Five huge stars.”
Alex: A ship that has sunk
What is my relationship?
Alex: No sorry tha-
[glares at wife] I’ll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex
It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery
at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked
My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.