[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?
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When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
Wife: is he okay?!
Doctor: he will be fin-
Me: *slips him $20*
Doctor: he’ll never walk again
Me: *acting surprised* oh no, and on the day we were gonna put up the Christmas lights!
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
starbucks: we’ve banned plastic straws!
me: oh hell yes
starbucks: yeah we’ve got these cool new lids instead
me: what are they made of
starbucks: plastic
me:
starbucks:
me:
starbucks: wait shit
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
Kid: I don’t like mac-n-cheese anymore.
DENIAL: You still like it.
ANGER: YOU WILL EAT IT!
DEPRESSION: *crying*
BARGAINING: If you eat it, you can have dessert.
ACCEPTANCE: I will make you chicken nuggets.Kid: I don’t like chicken nuggets anymore.
me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss
HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: I can change Becky
HER: promise?
ME: into a semi truck
Aaaa…CHOO!
Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.
[school email]
Parents, please send a snack with your child to school…no cookies or candy please. Let’s keep it healthy:)[same email]
Today’s lunch menu: Chocolate chip pancakes, syrup infused bacon, Mtn Dew soaked carrots, snorted Pixie sticks, and liquified Cinnabons
Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide
Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.