With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”
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[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok
My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.
Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp
My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*
[phone buzzes: text from wife]
*slowly puts toilet seat down*
If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
he looks great for his age
maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground
‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”
People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.
When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.
Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.