Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
You Might Also Like
Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.
Jokes on them. I took 10.
Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.
Anxiety: Haha…Christmas.
There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.
*army rises out of ball pit*
dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?
[they point to bob]
dark lord: you the man, bob
Dear ladies,
if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.
snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it
“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀
hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS
Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to
Dear diary,
Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
three old people next to me at this coffee shop hanging out and catching up. one of them says “your daughter is doing well? has her ducks all in a row?” and the other says “welllll there’s a few geese in there” and all three of them laughed until they cried. gasping for air.
When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”
15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.
Me: I’ve been beset upon by a horrible malaise
My body: You’re hungry
Me: something has changed, inside I’m filled with naught but darkness
Body: eat literally any food
Me: will I ever know peace again?
People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.