I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
You Might Also Like
When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!
There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.
I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
Young couple: “She has the most adorable laugh!”
Married couple: “Her laugh is like if a braying donkey swallowed a kazoo.”
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.
I told my 6yo that if he was tidying up the living room that he didn’t need to go straight to bed. He spent 10 minutes tidying up and thinks I let him stay up later. Looks like we both won tonight.
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.
ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed
My 2yo definitely has a future in the restaurant industry, she always waits until I’ve got a mouthful of food, then asks me a question!
Me: Which dress looks elegant but not like trying too hard, this or the other one?
16: It’s not the dress, it’s the woman wearing it.
Me: 😊
16: So you’re pretty much screwed, I don’t know what to tell you.
Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”
I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.
I had no intention of viewing your webinar until you used “and more” as a bullet point in your email and seduced me with the allure of intrigue and mystery
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that