I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
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GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit
*first day as Robin Hood
“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”
BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.
Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
[new coffee shop]
DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE
My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
*pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview*
Nexft queffstun pleeazse
“Umm. Your biggest weakness?”
Panfccakes
Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale
{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?
Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
Birds & Planes.
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.
The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.
Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?
Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.
Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”
Breaking news:
Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.
*Mr. Miagi on Twitter