“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
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He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.
Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
broke down and did it
Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
At some point, a guy looked at an onion that was clearly purple & called it red. AND WE’RE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN.
[traffic court]
Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
JUDGE: Repeat infractions?
Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets
FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you
SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday
I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.
The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.
BECOME UNGOVERNABLE
Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.
Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.
Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*
I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water
Tai Chi is so crazy because it’s like throwing a slow motion tantrum.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He wore the grin of a man who has never fallen off a ladder. His knees felt like reheated custard.
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?
Me: I think that’s a myth.
Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.