Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
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My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
Forgot about the 12-20 months stage of having a baby where your house is just littered with random objects they picked up, carried around, and dropped for no reason like you live inside a claw machine.
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
[me as a mechanic]
*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.
You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment
A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?
Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
ME (teaching driver’s ed): quick, what did that sign we just passed say?
STUDENT: um
ME: this is important
STUDENT: *reluctantly* McDonald’s, one mile, exit 7A?
ME: good. stay in the right lane and ready your blinker
Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.
[trick-or-treating]
Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!
Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time
6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.