You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
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I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward
Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.
Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.
The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
If I climbed all the way to the top Mount Everest and looked up, then I’d finally see the top of our family’s weekly laundry pile
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven
Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god. Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.
I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.
No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
The airline I’m traveling in just made an announcement that said all mobile phones, laptops and PAGERS should be switched off. If I own a pager in 2022, I won’t need an airplane to travel. I’ll just use my time machine.
[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”
Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.
I never met a cheese I didn’t like.
Me: (singing along with the car radio)
Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?
Me: No, why?
Friend: So you don’t have to.
Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.
If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great